A young boy approached his grandmother one day and he said to her: "Grandma, I don't want to live at home any more.
My mother beats me and my father beats me."
"Well," said his grandmother, "who do you want to live with?"
The boy replied: "I want to live with the English rugby team."
"Why is that?" his grandmother asked.
"Because they don't beat anybody"
Pensioners Bruce and Dave sitting on a park bench, and Bruce says to Dave: "I hope there's rugby up in heaven, Dave!"
"Me too," says Dave, "cos I'll miss the rugby."
Bruce goes on to say: "I tell you what Dave, whoever dies first is to try and get a message back"
Months later, Bruce passes on, leaving Dave to be sitting one day alone on the park bench, when all of a sudden Dave hears his name being called:
"Dave, Dave, it's me, Bruce! Remember we spoke about if there was rugby in heaven, I've got good and bad news for you."
"What's that?" says Dave. "Well, the good news is that there is rugby in heaven. "
"Oh that's great news, but what's the bad news, Bruce?"
"Dave, you'll be playing scrumhalf this Saturday"
In the beginning, the lord God almighty turned to his best mate, the archangel Gabriel, and said: "Gabby, today I am going to create a beautiful part of the earth
and I will call it Ireland. I will make a country of rolling green hills, rich green forests and the people shall brew a glorious dark brew to be reknowned the world over.
I will give it clear, swift rivers, which will overflow with salmon and trout. The land shall be lush and fertile on which the people can raise cattle and grow their food,
as well as being rich with precious metals and stones that will be sought after the world over.
"Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal for the inhabitants to mine. Around the coast, I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world. Golden
sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manner of wildlife. With lots of islands that will be like a paradise to all who visit them. In the deep blue waters
around the shores, there will be an abundance of sea life. The people who live there will be called the Irish and will be the friendliest and most liked people on earth."
"Excuse me sir," interrupted the archangel Gabriel, "dont you think your being a bit too generous to these so-called Irish?"
"Don't talk rubbish," replied the lord. "Wait till you see the neighbours I'm giving them"!
James was on his way home from the 3rd Lions test in Melbourne when he had to screech to a halt and ended up in a massive traffic jam.
He wound down the window and thought to himself, "This seems bad, nothing's moving at all." He noticed a police officer walking back and forth,
in and out of all the cars, so James shouts over, "Scuse' me officer, what's going on here?"
The officer replies, "It's an England fan, he's so depressed about losing to Australia again today and what it says for England's World Cup chances
if they can't even beat the Wallabies with the help of three other teams, he feels a right idiot for gobbing off saying England are the best team in the world,
he's actually threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire!!"
The officer goes on, "His family find him arrogant, and he hasn't got many mates. I'm just walking around taking up a collection for him."
"right", says James, "how much have you collected so far?"
"So far," replies the officer, "we've collected about 100 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning!"
There is a horrific car crash on the way back from an English rugby match and Austin Healey, Jonny Wilkinson and Martin Johnson are killed and go to Heaven.
St Peter meets them at the Pearly Gate and after some exchanges of quick wit and banter lets all three in to Heaven. He does however warn them not to tread on
a duck. Austin, being a complete idiot, charges through the gates feet first and immediately treads on a duck and falls over. Before Martin or Jonny can help him up
two angels appear and handcuff the ugliest woman (looks a bit like a stunted kiwi) they had ever seen to Austin's leg. While protesting most vigorously it is
explained to him that this is the punishment for treading on a duck and that is it. Jonny and Martin are very careful from then on but some weeks later Jonny
treads on a duck and the same thing happens. The woman is so ugly that you would need to put a paper bag on her head and one on yours in case hers came off.
Martin, however, shuffles around for months until one day he wakes up and finds this absolutely gorgeous woman tied to his leg. He immediately asks what he had
done to deserve this. The woman replies that all she had done was tread on a duck
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had
the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
"Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff. Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break,
passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner.
But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try".
"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up.
When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?".
The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago".
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